


stay close, don't go

by izayas



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Canon Era, Casual Sex, Codependency, Eventual domestic, Falling In Love, Hate to Love, High School, M/M, Time Skips
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-21
Updated: 2016-06-21
Packaged: 2018-07-16 08:25:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7260034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/izayas/pseuds/izayas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"i think i'm falling in love with you." izaya raises an eyebrow and looks to shizuo. "…well, that's unfortunate."</p><p>because shizuo thinks that no one should go through life thinking they're unlovable. including izaya.</p>
            </blockquote>





	stay close, don't go

**Author's Note:**

> thank you to loveandallthat for being beta ♥

_**spring** _

Graduation is next week and Shizuo's mother has already found something for him to wear.

It hangs on the back of his door, fabric crisp and pressed from being dry-cleaned. The Heiwajima household isn't extravagantly wealthy, but their first-born son is graduating from high school so they find a bit of extra cash for the event. Shizuo's slightly surprised he's not a few credits short or even that he's _allowed_ to graduate after all the havoc he's caused, but he's not going to complain.

The last time Shizuo's seen his parents so proud is when he finds out he's been accepted into Raira Academy. They'd been so pleased they took him and Kasuka out to his favorite restaurant for dinner, spending the entire night praising Shizuo to his utter embarrassment. Everyone that night had kept glancing over; what had started as smiles would sometimes slip into small frowns before quickly looking away upon realizing who he was. Heiwajima Shizuo's infamous, after all; he's the kid parents don't want their kids to play with, he's the kid who has a temper he can't control, he's the kid who's a _demon_ , a _menace_ , a _danger_.

Shizuo remembers the dinner clearly, from how the food had been good, to how Kasuka had smiled a little more than usual, to how cold he felt at the onlooker's expressions. But, most of all, he remembers how this is the first time his parents look proud and _happy_.

They're usually on edge around him, nervous laughs and hesitant pats on his head. It develops over time; no parent wants to think badly of their child, but after the first time, Shizuo's violent fits grow more and more common. And with rising hospital bills and damages, it puts a definite strain on his parents. Then Shizuo realizes they're afraid that he'll snap and hurt _them_ , which they have every reason to be afraid of.

After all, he tried to throw a refrigerator at his little brother over a cup of pudding.

It stings. It hurts Shizuo to know that even his own parents are afraid of him, that while his little brother isn't and has never once flinched, his parents do if Shizuo does something like stand from the table a bit too quickly. It breaks his heart, actually, so to see them happy, relaxed, and proud means the world to him.

Because he feels like he's not a complete failure. He's done something right.

His parents are happy because of him.

_Because of him._

He's done something right.

He lights a cigarette and hears that damn bastard's drawling laughter.

"Shizu-chan's parents wouldn't approve of that," he murmurs.

Shizuo scoffs as he lies back down, end of his cigarette flaring brightly as he inhales, smoke curling upwards. He doesn't need to watch to know the way Izaya's muscles move as he pulls his shirt on, sitting on the edge of his bed. Once the hem hits his hips, Izaya glances over his shoulder to watch Shizuo's cigarette. His lips quirk into a smirk as he stands and pulls on his boxers, then his pants, belt clinging as he does it gracefully.

"Then again, maybe Shizu-chan's parents don't bother with expectations anymore," Izaya murmurs, eyes half lidded and head tilted back as he looks at Shizuo, naked save the covers over his waist. "Who can blame them, really?"

Those words had once sent Shizuo into a flying rage, but three years later, he hardly bats an eye.

Because, after all, Izaya's right.

"Get the fuck out."

Izaya grins.

"Because Shizu-chan doesn't want his parents or precious brother to find out he's been sleeping with the enemy, right?"

" _Fuck_ ," Shizuo growls, turning to glare, " _off._ "

Izaya waves a hand and pulls on his black blazer. He opens Shizuo's window after he slips his shoes on and one foot is on the ledge as he looks over with another smirk.

"See you at graduation, Shizu-chan."

_**fall** _

Orihara Izaya disappears after graduation and Shizuo can't say he's upset about it.

The first time they have sex is at the beginning of their third year of high school. It happens in a classroom after school during break, Shizuo having bumped into Izaya and the normal violent, twisted game of tag commencing. Shizuo realizes only after they're finished that he isn't sure how they got _into_ the school in the first place, but that's hardly the problem.

The problem is that he just had sex (for the first time, actually) with _Orihara Izaya_ and he's absolutely disgusted by the fact at how exhilarated he feels.

" _Don't worry Shizu-chan,_ " Izaya had drawled while he redressed. _"This'll be our little secret."_

It happens again. And again.

And again.

The second time is in an alleyway and Shizuo still remembers clapping his hand over Izaya's mouth to keep him quiet as people walk by on the other side of the dumpster, laughing from karaoke and drinking. The third time occurs in an office building after hours because he's Izaya and he's Shizuo and of course they'd break into an office building and do it on a goddamn conference table.

Then one day at school, Shizuo discovers a note in his locker that instructs him to leave his window unlocked that night. So he does and that's the first and certainly not last time Izaya comes over.

This adds onto the very long list of things that Heiwajima Shizuo is not proud of. Orihara Izaya is vermin; Shizuo has had a bad feeling about him ever since he first sets eyes on him through the window, instinct reinforced when Shinra decides to introduce them to each other.

He doesn't understand why he keeps sleeping with Orihara Izaya when he's made his entire high school experience awful. Izaya is the reason why Shizuo gets detentions, why Shizuo fails exams because the night before is spent chasing him around or in the hospital if it's too severe for Shinra to patch up. Izaya is the reason Shizuo doesn't perform as well as he knows he's capable of, why he's filled with regret and shame when he shows his just barely passing grades to his parents.

" _Oh? Shizu-chan hasn't flunked out yet? Shame…"_

_Izaya's smirk only falters for a moment when Shizuo grabs him, lifting him and slamming him against the wall. Izaya's forced on his toes as he stares back at Shizuo; his arms are still in his pockets as Shizuo's hand is curled around the fabric of his shirt and pressing to his sternum._

" _You goddamn bastard," Shizuo snarls. "I could've fuckin' failed!_

" _And yet you didn't. Impressive, actually. However, I did manage top scores in everything except biology, so Shizu-chan has no excuse."_

" _I'll kill you," Shizuo growls before he can select his words more carefully, "I'll kill you, I swear to god, Izaya, I'll fuckin_ end _you!"_

_And even though Shizuo's the one who made the death threat, who has his hand pressed to Izaya's body, who is the one capable of snapping his neck right then and there, Shizuo is the one who feels a chill run down his spine._

_Because Izaya is smiling._

_But it's not the fake, practiced smile Izaya gives to teachers and students. It's a malicious curl of his lips, something much more akin to a sneer. It's terrifying and, for a moment, Shizuo can't move because he feels like there is something very deeply, intrinsically off with Izaya, something he never even considered._

" _Go ahead," Izaya says with that same crazed look. "Kill me, Shizu-chan. Can you do it? Can you really? Go ahead, show everyone just what a brute you really are. Break my bones, bruise my body, throw me through a window, leave me battered and barely able to stand, coughing up blood. You want to? Then do it. Do it, monster."_

_Shizuo hasn't realized he's stopped breathing until he needs to. It ends up as a gasp and his grip loosens momentarily, but he tightens it again and keeps his glare level. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" he mutters._

_The insanity disappears and Izaya's back to his normal smirk._

" _I'm not afraid of you, Shizu-chan," he says quietly and Shizuo's slightly taken back by the unexpected sincerity in his words and tone. "You can say what you want and do what you want, but it'll never scare me."_

_Izaya smirks._

" _Never."_

Shizuo has a very bad feeling that whatever _this_ is, it started then.

Because people have said all sorts of things to Shizuo:

" _Monster!"_

" _Menace!"_

" _Stay away from us!"_

" _We don't want you near him!"_

" _Leave us alone!"_

" _Go away!"_

But only one other person has said:

" _I'm not afraid of you."_

Izaya appears again one day and Shizuo throws a trashcan at him. But later that night Izaya shows up at his new apartment and Shizuo doesn't even question how he knows where he lives; he's an informant, after all. Of course he knows. And if he doesn't, he'll find out.

That's the sort of person Izaya is.

Shizuo invites him in wordlessly and Izaya smirks as he looks around. His apartment is small and cramped; it's a studio with a half a wall to separate the kitchen from everything else. The walls are slightly yellowed, the ceilings show signs of water damage. Shizuo has a mattress in a corner with sheets on top of it, a few books scattered about. There are take-out containers everywhere and trash is overflowing already.

It's a dump, even for a first apartment.

"My… if I were Shizu-chan's parents, I'd be _so_ proud."

"Shut up," he grumbles, running a hand through his messy hair. He watches as Izaya gives himself a tour; he doesn't open any closed doors, but peeks into the ones that are slightly ajar, looks at the little things Shizuo's got laying around, but doesn't touch. Shizuo stares at him, is amazed at how little he's changed from high school, save the slightly more built, still slender frame and longer hair.

Same look in his eyes, though.

"Well," Izaya says when he's finished and walks over, stops just in front of Shizuo.

"Shall we?"

Shizuo answers with a hard kiss, lifts Izaya's body like it's nothing and tosses him onto his mattress. He ignores Izaya's taunt that he tastes like cigarettes and presses their hips together, answers Izaya's next sneer about him being _oh so eager_ by biting down sharply on his neck. Izaya hisses in pain but Shizuo knows he likes it; he's _always_ liked that and Shizuo doesn't really know why.

Damn masochist.

When they finish, Izaya's sitting up to get dressed again. And, just like a week before graduation, Shizuo's lighting a cigarette before he lies back down in bed, sheets spilling over his hips. He takes a drag and hears the rumpling of Izaya's clothes as he redresses, standing to pull up his pants when Shizuo says:

"I think I'm falling in love with you."

Izaya raises an eyebrow and looks to Shizuo.

"…Well, that's unfortunate."

Shizuo's holding his cigarette between his fingers as he looks over silently.

Izaya holds his gaze before he zips up his pants and grabs his coat.

"Don't be delusional, Shizu-chan."

_**winter** _

Every time they have sex, Izaya always wants _more_. His voice is heavy with lust as he rasps the commands, his back arching and nails dragging along Shizuo's skin until blood is running over the welts. _Faster_ , Shizuo always hears. _Harder. Stronger. More._

" _I won't break, Shizu-chan."_

There's something comforting in Izaya saying that, though Shizuo still never entirely goes all out. There's a certain level of self-restraint, but he finds himself experimenting with it. He lessens it, but then pulls back when he thinks it's too much for Izaya, that one day the biting of his nails into his palms will be from pain and not pleasure. But whenever Izaya senses it, he looks over his shoulder and gives Shizuo a breathless smirk.

" _Didn't you hear me? Don't hold back, Shizu-chan."_

Elbows resting on the railing, Shizuo takes a drag of his cigarette. It's winter now. The temperature has dipped considerably and Shizuo's wearing the scarf Kasuka gifted him a few years ago. It's dark red and of soft cashmere, one of the few things Shizuo takes excellent care of, because it's from his little brother. Snow's started to fall, blanketing the city with a thin layer of white. Shizuo doesn't like stepping on fresh snow; he doesn't like being the first footstep that ruins it. He remembers when he was little, when he wanted to play but was unable to bring himself to step off of the balcony. So Kasuka was always the one to go first, leave two little footsteps in the snow before holding his hand out to Shizuo.

" _Okay. Let's play, niisan."_

Work is work is work; Shizuo follows Tom around dutifully until they're done. He politely declines the offer to get a drink and heads home instead; it's one of those days where Shizuo wants to be alone. Being with Tom isn't bad; he enjoys his company and their small, idle conversation. But sometimes he wants to be alone. Sometimes anyone will just want to be alone. It's human nature, the way craving companionship is.

Shizuo stops at a crosswalk and closes his eyes as he exhales, brow furrowing.

Correction:

He wants the company of one specific person and _hates_ himself for it.

The thing is, he never meant to fall in love with Orihara Izaya. And he never wanted to; he never even thought about it until he was too late. And then he starts thinking back; maybe, to him, the sex had never been just sex, not even the first time. Shizuo's a bit traditional; he thinks sex is a way to show love, that sex should only be with someone important. He's always thought this, though somehow never connected that belief with his physical actions.

Izaya's not a nice person, so it's not as if Shizuo fell in love with kindness or anything. He fell in love when Izaya said he'd never be afraid of him and Shizuo _hates, hates, hates_ that his heart is on his sleeve like that.

Because Izaya doesn't know what the goddamn hell he's saying.

Izaya lives on this different plane, maybe this different dimension. Izaya thinks that he's not afraid of Shizuo and that he has no reason to be. And while Shizuo appreciates the sentiment _more than words could ever convey_ , he knows that Izaya's wrong.

Because there will be a time one day where even Izaya will be terrified of him.

But Shizuo's lonely. Shizuo's isolated, ostracized, cast out. And it means the world to him for someone to think they're not afraid. And it's impossible to expect that confidence to be absolute. People are always overestimating themselves.

But at least someone's trying for Shizuo.

Turning into his apartment complex, Shizuo fishes his keys out of his pocket and heads up the rickety steps, thinks about maybe texting Kasuka to set up lunch this week. Or maybe with Celty. Today, Shizuo wants to be alone. But tomorrow, more likely than not, Shizuo will want company, especially with the people he's comfortable reaching out to.

When he rounds a corner, he stops. Because someone's by his door, leaning against the door and tapping away on their phone. Shizuo sees fur trim first and knows who it is; he still can't bring himself to move, not even with Izaya looks up and gives a smile.

"Hello, Shizu-chan."

He holds up a bag and Shizuo can smell something delicious.

"I brought a snack for after."

**spring**

"Hey, you're in love with me too, right?"

"Don't be ridiculous."

"Fine. Let me rephrase."

Shizuo takes a step forward and Izaya doesn't bother trying to escape, allows himself to be shoved against a wall. Shizuo has one hand in his pocket, the other arm pressed against Izaya's throat. His eyes are glowering and Izaya manages to maintain a regular breathing pattern, despite how their position is meant to make it difficult for him.

"You're in love with me too."

"Question to accusation, ah?" Izaya asks, giving a strained smirk. "What a tactic, Shizu-chan. _Impressive_. Work for the secret service. They could use _sharp minds_ like yours."

Izaya, for once, actually hasn't provoked Shizuo. Shizuo had caught sight of him when going around the city that day, strolling around for some fresh air. He'd been in a strange sort of mood all day, but seeing Izaya solidifies it into definite annoyance. Izaya had glanced over and then looked away, seeming intent on keeping to himself that day.

So, naturally, Shizuo strides over and shoves him into an alley.

" _I'm tired, Shizu-chan,"_ Izaya had started. _"Not today…"_

"Don't avoid the question," Shizuo growls and Izaya's smirk persists, despite the way Shizuo's arm presses against him harder. "Cut the shit."

Shizuo can be in love with Izaya and still hate him; it boils down to the fact that anything Shizuo feels towards Izaya is extreme. There's nothing about Izaya that Shizuo doesn't care about and it drives him insane. But what he's always hated the most about Izaya is his indirectness.

His causing trouble and slipping away to avoid blame or detection.

His beating around the bush when it comes to any uncomfortable situation.

His refusal to deal with anything straight on like a responsible adult.

Orihara Izaya is hardly a responsible adult.

Izaya remains firm in his resolve to not say anything and, swearing, Shizuo pulls his arm back. There's a dent in a nearby dumpster when his foot collides with it and Izaya straightens his color, looks at Shizuo coldly.

"See you around, Shizu-chan."

He walks off, leaving Shizuo alone in an alley where they've fucked before. Shizuo's still glaring, but it lessens as the minutes pass. Eventually he's standing there and staring up at the sky, realizes that Izaya not answering was his answer.

By not answering, Izaya doesn't deny it.

By not answering, Izaya doesn't try to deny it.

By not answering, Izaya doesn't lie.

Shizuo's eyes close and there's a ghost of a smile.

**summer**

Izaya continues to show up when he pleases for a quick fuck, but he's never brought up Shizuo's confession.

Until now.

"What makes Shizu-chan think that I feel the same way?"

He poses the question lightly one night. The sun is threatening to illuminate the horizon just as Izaya's starting to get dressed. Shizuo glances at his slim frame before reaching for a cigarette out of habit. He lets it dangle between his lips and is in no rush to light it as he sits up, running a hand through his hair.

"You keep coming back," he says tiredly, pinching the bridge of his nose.

Izaya hums and looks over his shoulder with a slight smirk. "That's not much evidence."

"You could have anybody you want in this city," Shizuo says. "But you keep coming back to me. After everything. After what I said. You always come back."

Izaya's arms still; he's pulled on his pants and boxers, had been in the process of his shirt when Shizuo answered. They're crossed, fingers hooked around where his head would go. Shizuo can't see, but he knows that Izaya's fixated on the sunrise now; he doesn't bother to say anything and the two most feared men in Ikebukuro watch the sun rise together from Shizuo's tiny, dingy apartment.

The light is slow at first, spilling down the streets of Ikebukuro, illuminating what had been so securely blanketed in darkness. The sky lights up warmly and Shizuo's always found it beautiful; it's not often he's up to watch the sun rise, but when he is, it's a nice way to start the morning. He likes the colors that splash across the sky; he likes that he's watching a new day begin. He likes that even though sometimes things can get awful and he doesn't want to exist, there's always a tomorrow that will come.

"Not everyone equates sex to love the way Shizu-chan does," Izaya says finally, head bowing to pull his shirt on. "It's just convenience. And, well, I hate to be crass, but Shizu-chan's not half bad in bed, surprisingly."

Shizuo says nothing to that. Izaya's pulling on his fur trim coat when Shizuo lights his cigarette. He tosses the device onto the nightstand, eyes closing as he takes a drag. As two fingers come up, he's surprised to feel the cigarette shift a bit before his fingers make contact. Eyes opening, he sees that Izaya's bowing, the end of his unlit cigarette touching to Shizuo's. He waits until Izaya pulls back to murmur, "You smoke?"

Izaya smirks, but it's slighter and more distant.

"Occasionally."

Letting it dangle between his lips, Izaya's straightening his clothes before he reaches the door to Shizuo's bedroom, lithe fingers already curled around the doorknob when he finally hears Shizuo's next few words:

"Because you can't live without me."

There's a pause as he takes a drag, is looking up at the ceiling. Izaya doesn't turn around at first. He does but it's not to look at him; Shizuo's eyes are still trained to the same spot as he watches Izaya put his cigarette out in the ashtray from his peripheral vision.

All the smoke's been exhaled before Shizuo looks over.

"Right?"

Izaya leaves and for the first time ever, the door slams shut.

**fall**

The thing is, if Orihara Izaya wants something, he'll get it.

So if Orihara Izaya _really wants_ Heiwajima Shizuo dead _,_ Heiwajima Shizuo would be six feet under by now.

But he's not.

Izaya doesn't come back and Shizuo can't say he's surprised.

"Well, it was a pretty stupid thing to confess to Izaya."

One day, Shizuo will throw Shinra into the ocean.

"What were you expecting?" Shinra asks, setting down a glass of milk for Shizuo as he brings tea for himself. "If you were hoping that Izaya would just fall into your arms and declare his love, then, well… no, sorry. You should try someone else for that."

"Shut up," Shizuo mumbles, regrets taking the specific path that led him to Shinra that day. "That's not what I wanted. I just…"

"Just…?"

"…Just," Shizuo finishes. Shinra raises an eyebrow and is annoyingly calm as he sips his tea, leaning back in his couch.

"Izaya is… mm, how do I put this…"

"A pain in the ass."

"Yes. But also just…"

Shinra sighs and looks up.

"He's… afraid. You know, I always wondered about you two. You hating him makes sense. Him hating you is a defense mechanism."

Shizuo stares at his untouched milk.

"I think he could feel the same way," Shinra murmurs, smiling as a hand cradles his chin. "I think he does feel the same way. I just think he's too afraid to admit it to anyone, especially himself. Tell me, Shizuo, do you actually want to be with him?"

"…I don't know."

"Then why did you tell him?"

Shizuo hesitates and this time when he talks, his voice is quiet and his words leave Shinra with a slightly sad smile. His fingers tighten around his glass and Shinra will later tell him that "this is the very spitting image of a man with a broken heart."

"…No one should go through life thinking they're unlovable."

Shinra smiles and even though it's not malicious, Shizuo finds himself wanting to punch him.

"Mm. Yeah, you'd know."

**winter**

Shizuo actually doesn't like winter. It's not his least favorite, but it ranks third if he were to make a list.

It's cold. There's snow everywhere and there's slush; he has to watch where he walks because Shizuo is very prone to slipping and more than once has there been a Shizuo-sized indent in some fresh snow. It never hurts, but it's just annoying for his entire backside to be wet from the snow. Also, Shizuo doesn't like the idea of Shizuo-shaped holes around the city for some reason.

He turns into a bar; the air is heavy with alcohol and warm as he steps in. It's been a long day and he stays for maybe an hour, just enough until he feels pleasantly warm. He doesn't like drinking, but it's cold and it's always nice to associate the burning sensation in his chest to something. He's not drunk when he leaves and any tipsiness has already faded by the time he's home.

Shizuo doesn't go to the bar very often, if ever by himself, but when he's in love with the poster child of commitment fears, emotional shallowness, and trust issues, anything is fair game.

Tossing his keys onto the counter, hearing the jingling followed by a final cling against porcelain, Shizuo heaves a sigh. He shrugs off his coat, shaking his arm free and tossing it over the new sofa Kasuka had gifted him. Shizuo told him it really wasn't necessary, but he had been adamant. _"I'm worried about your posture, niisan."_

Shizuo's feet have just moved from hardwood floors to carpet when he pulls off his shirt. It's a bit chilly but he'd rather that than reek of tequila and whiskey. His nose wrinkles as he brings the still warm fabric to his face to smell it tentatively, throwing it carelessly into his nearly full laundry hamper afterwards. One hand scratches at the spot between his shoulder blades as he starts heading to his bathroom, but a sudden knock at his door stops him.

He stares. When he hears the knocking again, he walks over slowly and peers through the peephole. His brow furrows when he sees who it is but he answers it anyway and there stands Orihara Izaya.

_Drunk._

Shizuo's never seen him drunk before. Izaya doesn't drink. Shizuo doesn't either, but Izaya _especially_ doesn't. Shizuo doesn't for the taste and he assumes Izaya doesn't because he doesn't like the idea of being drunk.

Or maybe he has some deep, twisted Izaya reason.

"Shizu-chan," Izaya slurs, smirks and is swaying a bit. "Hello."

"…What do you want?"

"I've come to ask…" he pauses to hiccup and Shizuo steps aside so Izaya can stumble in, "to ask Shizu-chan a question."

Shizuo closes the door wordlessly. Keeping his hand on the knob, he turns so that his back is to the surface as he continues to observe Izaya; it's like he's exploring his apartment for the first time again. He's got a childish wonder that Shizuo's never seen before, flipping through books and tracing his finger against shelves as he hums. "You should dust, Shizu-chan!" he proclaims suddenly.

Shizuo ignores that.

"What did you want to ask?"

"Ah! Shizu-chan said something interesting…"

Izaya points a finger and Shizuo doesn't even flinch.

"Shizu-chan said… that I can't live without him! So by that logic, if Shizu-chan died, I would too?"

Shizuo is remarkably calm, considering Orihara Izaya is drunkenly prancing around his living room.

"Can Shizu-chan live without me?"

"Yeah," Shizuo answers.

Izaya counters, "But Shizu-chan says I can't live without him!"

"Yeah," Shizuo repeats. "I can live without you. But I don't want to."

"What makes Shizu-chan think that's not the same for me?"

"You're you," Shizuo says quietly. "We're similar, but we're not the same."

"What a confident statement for someone whose self-esteem is lower than dirt," Izaya sneers and Shizuo continues watching impassively. Izaya doesn't seem pleased with the lack of a reaction; he turns his nose up and sniffs. Striding over, he presses his finger lightly to Shizuo's chest, nail digging into his skin. "How _dare_ you… say something like that…"

Four other nails have joined and Shizuo hardly registers feeling them scratching against him. Closing his eyes, he just sighs and tilts his head back so it's resting against the door. Izaya's still mumbling as he rests his forehead against Shizuo's body. Shizuo resists the urge to wrap his arms around Izaya.

It's complicated, being in love with him.

On one hand, he wants to hold him. He wants Izaya pressed against him; he wants all of him, he never wants him to leave. He wants to feel Izaya's skin against his own, absolutely no space between their bodies. He wants to drown in Izaya, be swallowed by him, entirely consumed.

But on the other hand, he hates him.

Izaya's the worst of the worst, a coward and manipulator. He's selfish and uses people for his own benefit, hardly ever considering those who get hurt in his schemes. Shizuo hates people like him; he hates _him_.

But what he hates most is how he doesn't entirely hate him, how he can't bring himself to.

Izaya's replaced his nails with the palm of his hand and Shizuo's eyes close when he feels the warmth against his skin, exhales slowly at the nails dragging along his sides. His grip on his doorknob tightens, knuckles pressed to the small of his back. He's almost scared to breathe too suddenly; the abrupt movement of his chest might be enough to scare Izaya off. Shizuo doesn't have much experience dealing with drunk people and drunk Izaya certainly isn't someone he ever thought he'd have to deal with. Izaya doesn't drink. Why is he drunk? Why is he here?

Why is he drunk and here?

"Hey, Izaya," Shizuo murmurs.

Izaya hums.

"…Is it that awful to be in love with me too?" Shizuo asks quietly.

And Izaya looks up, seems a bit surprised. But then he smiles and laughs so hard he has to take a step back, arm folding over his stomach as he nearly doubles over in laughter. His free hand comes up to his face and Shizuo just watches, isn't quite sure what to make of that reaction.

"Shizu-chan… Shizu-chan, Shizu-chan, that's _so_ you! To think that it's because of you…"

Izaya's drunk, Shizuo keeps reminding himself, and he's never seen him drunk.

Why is he drunk?

"Shizu-chan, how _cute_ ," Izaya murmurs once his laughter has lessened. He looks up and wipes a tear from the corner of his eye. "I'm feeling generous tonight… so I'll answer Shizu-chan's question. No, it's not. It's not awful to be in love with you. Not that I blame Shizu-chan's thinking… after all, it's not as if Shizu-chan's love is a _great_ sort of love to be the recipient of. I mean, honestly, it's born from loneliness and desperation. It's like I'm Shizu-chan's rebound! Shizu-chan's decided nobody else should have to burden his feelings except for _me_. Pity love. It's pity love! It's quite insulting."

Izaya sighs, stares off into space contemplatively.

"Beggars can't be choosers, though," he murmurs.

Shizuo stares.

"Did you know that you look to the left when you lie?"

"Do I, now…" Izaya drawls, looking back up at him. "Then, tell me, Shizu-chan, which part of that was the lie?"

Shizuo neglects to answer and Izaya smiles.

"Anyway, I did say I'd answer Shizu-chan's question… well, actually, Shizu-chan already knows it, don't you? Why I'm like this? Why I'm here? It's really got nothing to do with Shizu-chan except that Shizu-chan's the one person who wouldn't turn me away.

"Because sometimes when you're so deep in self loathing, the only thing that helps is being with someone who hates themselves even more. But Shizu-chan messed up my plan as always… even Shizu-chan's not as self-deprecating. How rude."

When they had been in high school, Izaya's words had so easily sent him into a fit of rage. But now that they're in their mid twenties and Izaya's drunk in his living room, saying all sorts of terrible, insulting things, Shizuo doesn't feel anything. It feels like there's a hollow in his chest where his heart had been, but Shizuo isn't sure if it's actually the absence of emotion or an excess of it.

All he knows is that he hasn't felt anything and he doesn't know if that's a blessing or a curse.

Maybe it's because Izaya's feeling enough for the both of them.

The brilliant moon through cracked blinds catches Izaya's attention. He walks over to the mirror and a slim hand reaches up to push them out of the way to get a better look. Shizuo finds his eyes drawn to the small, slight way he smirks, how an arm holds himself, hip to the wall.

"Shizu-chan, you'd know this, right?"

Shizuo waits.

"Just because somebody loves you doesn't mean you can even begin to imagine feeling that way about yourself."

Shizuo doesn't have to answer that he, more than anyone, knows how that feels.

Izaya stays over that night. Shizuo takes the couch and when he wakes up, he's not surprised that his mattress is empty. He does find a note on kitchen table and, with no actual good reason, he keeps that neatly folded receipt, elegant script on the back:

_Thank you._

**spring**

Izaya doesn't come back and Shizuo doesn't care much about it.

" _You need to talk to someone about it."_

" _About what?"_

" _How you're in love with Izaya."_

" _No, I don't."_

" _It's messing you up."_

" _It's not."_

" _It's making you not feel anything. That's not right. It's messing you up, Shizuo. He's ruining you."_

_Shinra frowns._

" _Even by not being here, he's ruining you."_

So maybe, just maybe, Shizuo's not really alive without Izaya.

Spring is a time of rebirth. Spring is when flowers start blooming, when grass starts greening, when leaves begin lining trees again. Spring is when the sun comes back. Spring is supposed to be a new beginning.

It's not for Shizuo.

Because Shinra's right. It's unfortunate and it's rare, but it happens occasionally because Shinra's basically grown up with the two of them. He understands them better than anyone and, most of all, understands their relationship in a way that Shizuo and Izaya themselves can't see.

Shizuo doesn't like to admit it, but the hole in his chest is growing more prominent. He goes to bed and wakes up, brushes his teeth and eats some bread for breakfast. Then he goes to work and does what Tom says. He goes home afterwards, eats dinner, reads for a few hours, and then sleeps.

The cycle continues and Shizuo feels like a robot.

It feels like a virus. That numbness in his chest seems to spread and his favorite foods don't taste good anymore, he's nearly touched his hand to the flickering flame of his stove. It's got nothing to do with his pain tolerance; Shizuo _can't feel_ and it's ironic that this is probably the most scared he's ever felt except he can't feel that terror. He stares at the cloudless skies the same way he does at thunder and rain. He impassively watches movies that at one point would make him throw something. He doesn't smile much. He never laughs. He just lives his life from day to day, does what he has to, stays alive.

And yet, he thinks that maybe this is what it's like to die.

What's worse:

An excess of feeling?

Or the absence of it?

His chest aches one day when he's walking home from work and has to duck into an alleyway. It's something that's been happening recently; he doesn't know what it is, but he'll go days and days without feeling anything and suddenly that emptiness in his chest is suffocating, like a black hole. He doesn't know why; all Shizuo knows is that it's enough to render him unable to think or do anything. Back against the wall, he brings a hand up and grasps at his shirt, knuckles pressing into his chest. He swears softly and leans forward; shoulders hunching, he opens his mouth and the next breath he takes is a choked gasp.

He can't breathe.

But it's okay, it happens sometimes. That's how life is now.

Because sometimes the weight on his chest is so heavy and daunting that Shizuo can't breathe, that it takes everything he has to take the smallest of breaths. He's suffocating; he feels like he wants to reach into his chest and tear something out, but how can he rip out that echoing emptiness?

He can't breathe, but it's okay.

Shizuo's other hand presses to his knee to support himself and he waits until whatever it is passes. His first normal, full breath is shaky. It takes him a moment to gather himself before he straightens, staring at his reflection in a puddle on the alley ground. He looks fine, like nothing's happened. Maybe nothing has. Maybe it's all in his head.

Shizuo's hands return to resting in his pockets and he walks home because even though he felt like he was about to die, he didn't, so he has to keep living.

He wonders where Izaya is.

He wonders how Izaya is.

He wonders if Izaya feels the same way.

He wonders if Izaya feels like this.

Like he's living, but he's not really alive.

**summer**

Shizuo's never thought of himself as a _cruel_ person.

Violent, yes. Angry, yes. Terrifying, yes.

Cruel?

No.

But what he said to Izaya can only be attributed to cruelty. Because why did he say that? Why would he say that? What had he been hoping for? Shizuo's not one to waste words in a superfluous manner like Izaya. He doesn't choose his words carefully, per say, but he does usually have an intent behind them.

To accuse Izaya of having to depend on somebody to survive and for that somebody to be the person he hates the most…

Shizuo thinks it might just be unforgivable.

It's summer now. It's hot and Shizuo hasn't laughed in months.

He used to get angry at the sun. It's ridiculous, but he'd get mad at it for being so bright and so there and so hot. He usually likes sunbathing but even so, there are times where he's just hot and he's tired and he gets mad, even if at the sun itself. He'll look up and have to squint, even with his sunglasses, and just feel this irrational anger.

But not recently.

He hasn't laughed in months.

He hasn't gotten angry in months.

He hasn't felt sad in months.

He's been empty and if he could feel it, it would probably be terrifying.

" _Shinra."_

" _Yeah?"_

" _It's not like this for you, right? Being in love with Celty?"_

" _Celty makes me feel alive,"_ Shinra answers. _"I would die without her by my side!"_

Shizuo looks at him.

Shinra smiles.

" _Unfortunate, isn't it?"_

There are nights where Shizuo can't breathe. There are _hours_ where Shizuo just straight up doesn't remember time passing. There are moments where Shizuo feels entirely disassociated from his body.

The only thing that snaps him out of it is remembering Izaya.

Memories are all he has now.

The first time he remembers something is at Shinra's; Shinra's telling Celty some story or another, one that involves Shizuo and Izaya because though he's only got two friends, they're probably Raijin's most infamous students. It's about the time where Shizuo and Izaya break into the school after hours and leave the pool overflowing, ruining the locker rooms. Celty's typing on her PDA to tell Shinra that she doesn't want to hear it (or something like that, Shizuo assumes from the way Shinra's responding) and then he hears:

" _Shizuo… you're smiling."_

And it takes him raising his hand to his lips, pads of his fingers brushing over his mouth to realize that he is. His lips are curved and he starts laughing, a sad, broken, quiet laugh.

" _Yeah. I am. Thanks."_

Shizuo wonders if reincarnation is real because if it is, he must've done something unforgivable in the past.

Ironic, isn't it?

The person he wants dead is the one who makes him feel alive.

**fall**

Maybe Izaya's dead.

That can be the only explanation, after all.

Maybe he's dead. That's why he hasn't come back. That's why there haven't been any more attempts on Shizuo's life. Orihara Izaya's dead and Heiwajima Shizuo's still alive.

That's proof he can live without him, right?

Shizuo had never been especially good at philosophy, but he finds himself wondering about what it means to be alive versus surviving versus living quite often nowadays.

He's breathing, he's moving, he's eating, he's contributing to society. He does what he needs to. He helps people when he can. He stays out of people's way. It feels robotic, but he's still doing it.

But robots aren't alive.

So what differentiates him from a robot?

The answer's simple:

The very sparse,

very few,

very slight smiles.

Izaya's gone, but his memory is still here. Those Raira kids don't really talk about him. Tom doesn't. Even his sisters don't.

But Shinra does. Celty occasionally does, because Shinra does, but, most of all, Shizuo remembers him. Shizuo thinks about him. Because as awful as Orihara Izaya is, as much as he thinks the world would be better off without him, Shizuo doesn't believe that.

Shizuo isn't the world but he is a part of it. And without Izaya, Shizuo thinks he'd be worse off.

So if one person in the world is worse off, then the world isn't better off. Therefore, the erasure of Orihara Izaya's existence from the world is not beneficial because Heiwajima Shizuo exists.

Shizuo laughs at that.

Actually laughs.

A loud, sudden laugh that makes Kasuka and his cat both jolt, that scares Ruri. Shizuo apologizes through his smile and just nods when Kasuka quietly asks if he's all right.

" _Kasuka, do you think being in love is supposed to make you happy?"_

Kasuka looks at Shizuo silently for a very long time.

" _No. Sometimes being in love is necessary to stay alive."_

**winter**

" _Tell me, Shizu-chan… how does it feel to be right?"_

And then Orihara Izaya passes out right in front of Heiwajima Shizuo's door.

Of course he comes back in the winter.

Shizuo wordlessly picks Izaya up and takes him to Shinra's. He's lighter and slighter in his arms. There's only been one other time where Shizuo's held Izaya like this, and it was in high school where he'd collapsed after being hit by an uprooted bench during one of their fights. It was years ago, but Shizuo's remembered the weight and feeling of Izaya's body against his ever since.

" _Dehydration, exhaustion, the usual. Some bruises too, but when is Izaya not bruised? He'll be fine."_

" _Can I stay?"_

Shinra doesn't even look surprised, just nods and smiles.

Shizuo pulls up a chair next to the bed where Izaya's resting. His skin is so pale, he thinks, and his wrist is so thin. His hair's a bit longer than it normally is and Shizuo can't help but momentarily take Izaya's hand, just to remind himself that he's really there.

Because nearly a year's passed and Izaya comes back, so of course Shizuo has to wonder if he's actually a ghost.

The next few hours aren't eventful. Shizuo gets up only for water, though the third time he gets milk and is relieved that he finally registers the sweet, creamy taste. He reads and finds himself being surprised at plot twists, despite how obvious they had been. He watches the television and feels those tinges of anger at predictable misunderstandings.

When the birds begin chirping as the sun illuminates the horizon, Shizuo feels the same.

He hears Izaya sitting up but doesn't take his eyes away from the television. He just nods when he hears 'yours?' and sees in the opposite mirror that Izaya's sipping his half empty glass of water.

No, not half empty.

Half full.

"Reruns?"

"Nothing else on at this hour."

Izaya hums. "I see."

Shizuo waits until the episode's over before he talks. Izaya hasn't said anything else (it's one of the rare times where he's actually quiet) and, normally, Shizuo would indulge in that. "So," he starts, "I decided that I can live without you."

Izaya doesn't say anything.

"But I don't want to," Shizuo finishes quietly, eyes falling to a particular spot on the carpet. "…Because living and being alive are different."

He looks over his shoulder and gives a wry smile. It's a truce, he thinks, because Izaya comes back and Shizuo makes no move to kill him. He doesn't even want to; he's spent a year away from Izaya and, at one point, that was all he wanted.

But then when it happened, Shizuo became an empty shell. Because, apparently, Orihara Izaya is ruining Heiwajima Shizuo's life, but Orihara Izaya is why Heiwajima Shizuo feels alive at all.

"If that makes you feel any better," he says.

Izaya stares at him—he's always been sort of like a cat—and when he relaxes, gives a new sort of smile, Shizuo, for the first time in a very long time, feels something exhilarating wash over him.

Shizuo believes people can change, but not entirely. So he doesn't think Izaya can ever be a saint, but he does think he can be less awful. He thinks he's capable of change and right now, looking at this vulnerability, he thinks Izaya definitely can change.

If he will is a different question, but Shizuo thinks he can.

And hope is all that Shizuo needs.

Izaya's still staring at Shizuo and he realizes he's waiting.

"…Do you want to come over tonight?" he asks after another few seconds of silence.

"How unexpected," Izaya murmurs but nods. "But I suppose I could. However, I just have one rule."

"What is it?"

"Do _not_ call it 'making love.'"

Shizuo's lips quirk and he smirks and it's the first time in almost a year that it's not sardonic.

"Trust me, I won't."

Because for the first time in months, Shizuo is incredibly aware that his heart is beating.

**spring**

Spring is a time for a new beginning.

"It's not fair," Izaya says one day, sitting next to Shizuo on the couch Kasuka's gifted him.

"What's not fair?"

"I can't kill Shizu-chan."

Shizuo frowns and lowers his spoonful of cereal slowly as he looks over.

"…The fuck?"

"Because of Shizu-chan's little 'you can't live without me' spiel," Izaya explains, legs crossed and arms folded as he levels his gaze, "I can't kill Shizu-chan because I don't want to die."

"Do you plan on killing me?"

"I would've liked the option, yes."

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I don't like ultimatums."

"Not killing me is not an ultimatum, you piece of shit."

"Actually…"

" _No_."

Orihara Izaya did not move into Heiwajima Shizuo's apartment and Heiwajima Shizuo still has not set foot into Orihara Izaya's residence apartment.

But that's okay.

" _Take things slow?"_

" _I suppose."_

Izaya and Shizuo aren't dating.

Izaya and Shizuo aren't together.

Izaya and Shizuo are just coexisting and practicing cohabitating in small increments at a time.

They eat. They have sex. They argue. They insult. They have sex. They sleep.

(No cuddling, Izaya instructs, but stops removing Shizuo's arm after the seventh time.)

They order take out. They have sex. They discuss the news. They go to Shinra's. They have more sex.

They exist together.

Shizuo's surprised at how easy it is to fall into not fighting. A large part is because Izaya's not purposely provoking him anymore. Izaya's quieter now. He's less malicious and when he speaks, it's calmer and even more direct. He still doesn't smile often, but his smirks are softer.

And when Shizuo looks at him, he feels his chest seize and he can't breathe, but in a good way.

He gets mad at things again. He gets annoyed and he gets upset.

He's relieved and he's so relieved he can feel it.

Life is better when Izaya's around.

They go back to watching television and it's a rerun again, but neither of them have said anything. Shizuo actually doesn't mind reruns. He already knows what happens, so there's no reason for him to have to focus entirely on it. He's free to focus on other things, like how Izaya smells of mint and expensive cologne, how his fingers are cool to the touch when Shizuo accidentally brushes his hand against them.

He's about to have another bite of his cereal when Izaya speaks.

"Shizu-chan," Izaya says quietly. "Kiss me."

Shizuo blinks and looks over slowly. Izaya returns his gaze and frowns a little at the bowl of cereal he's still holding. "Put that down, won't you? That's not romantic."

"…Neither is asking me to kiss you."

"Well, that's just practical. Now, put down your cereal."

Shizuo puts down his cereal.

Izaya moves closer and Shizuo just stares at him. Izaya's always been good looking. Even when he first saw him and had a bad feeling, Shizuo's noticed that he's attractive, some very unfortunate twist of fate. His features are delicate and his jaw is angular. He looks fragile and like a doll; he's the type of person who can stop crowds and stun rooms with just his face alone and Izaya knows that.

Shizuo exhales a breath he hadn't realized he was holding when he feels Izaya's cool palm against his face. Izaya hasn't said anything; he's just looking at him and Shizuo shudders slightly to feel his thumb brushing over his cheekbone. He leans into the touch a bit before he can think twice about it and, when he opens his eyes, one corner of Izaya's lips is quirked higher than the other.

"Like a puppy," Izaya murmurs.

Shizuo stares at the intrinsic slyness in Izaya's eyes. "Cat."

"Thank you," he purrs.

Conversation ends after that. Izaya starts leaning in and Shizuo's eyes close several moments before he actually feels Izaya kissing him. Shizuo's never actually thought about how Izaya's lips feel, but they're soft. Softer than he'd have imagined. They're soft and seem to fit perfectly against his; Shizuo matches the way his mouth moves and kisses him back almost painstakingly slow, losing his breath and loving every second of it.

For two people for whom passion had been the basis of their relationship, the kiss remains innocent and sweet. Shizuo's addicted to kissing Izaya; he could kiss him for the rest of his life and never get sick of it, he thinks. He loves kissing him, tasting Izaya, exchanging his breath for his own. He loves taking Izaya's lip between his own, sucking gently and then feeling Izaya's teeth on his.

He loves kissing Izaya.

"…Yeah," Izaya says and pulls back but his hand is still on Shizuo's cheek. "Yeah, this can work."

Shizuo's eyes open slowly and he smiles at Izaya, rests a hand on the back of his neck and pulls him close so their foreheads are touching, their lips are so close that they're almost kissing again.

"Good."

There's a delicacy in this moment right now; their relationship has taken a nearly one hundred eighty degree turn and it's amazing what their interactions are like when there's no malice or threats of physical harm. They talk. They realize they have things in common. They spend time together. They figure out they like spending time together.

They learn that they can be peaceful together because opposites need each other to exist. An opposite can't be what it is without its counterpart.

They coexist.

Shizuo exhales, feels his shoulders heave with the breath. He's kissing Orihara Izaya. He's coexisting with Orihara Izaya. He's not trying to kill Orihara Izaya. He's sitting on a couch with Orihara Izaya and it feels domestic, it _is_ domestic, and he likes it, Izaya likes it. His heart is beating and his skin tingles. What he and Izaya have, he thinks, is one in a million, something beautiful but twisted because as gentle as they are, what they have isn't pure, isn't simple, will never be pure or simple.

But right now, it feels pure and simple.

Shizuo smiles and he starts talking again, his lips move end up grazing against Izaya's.

"Because I need you to survive."

**Author's Note:**

> i honestly don't even remember when i started this. all i know is that it feels as though this fic has been staring at me for months so it was about time to finish, edit, and upload it.
> 
> thank you for reading! kudos/comments are always extremely appreciated ♥


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